I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
