I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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