my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize