dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize