The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
How's work?
Spinning.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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