So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
