I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
