hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You're like the curious george of whores
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
