I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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