So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
