Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
