I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
