I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
