Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
