Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
