Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
