I'm jealous of your bromance
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
