i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
