Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
