READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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