We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
