I'm lost and stupid without you.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
