My cat gives me a boner
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
