I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
