I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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