last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
