so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
