somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
