I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
