How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
