I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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