so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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