This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
