Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
