And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
