I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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