Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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