So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
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