At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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