he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
