i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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