I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
