does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you would pick up someone in the library
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
