I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
