dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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