If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
