I wish I could punch you in the face.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
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