Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
