my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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