Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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