I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize