Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Someone came in the potted fern
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
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