She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
