A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
my phone needs a breathalizer
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
