Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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