Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
