There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
True strength comes from lack of pants
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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