i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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