he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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