the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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