my mouth tastes like poor choices
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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