If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
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