Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
