Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
